New Pauline “Epistle to Luke” Discovered in North Turkey Cave

March 23, 2008  Edirne, Turkey

  An epistle allegedly written by the apostle Paul, who wrote most of the canonized New Testament, was found last month in a cave near Edirne, Turkey. Two Turkish hikers found the document, which was buried beneath a large pile of rocks. Archaeologists have examined the parchment and say that it does in fact date back to the first century A.D., although New Testament scholars are divided as to whether it was authored by Paul or a spurious source. The short epistle reads as follows:

   “Paul, an apostle called by Jesus Christ, to my friend Doctor Luke. Grace and peace to you from God our Father and Jesus our Savior. My brother, it gives me great joy to hear that you are well and earnestly fulfilling God’s call on your life. I thank you, my fellow worker in Christ, for your efforts to promote the glorious gospel of grace, and I thank God for the grace that abounds in you. That grace enabled and enables you to stand firm in your calling, a calling which has furthered the good news and still yet furthers it.
   My brother, the surgery you performed on me was more than a blessing; it was God’s provision not only for myself, but for the Body of Christ and those who have yet to join in the obedience of Christ. Your work was the handiwork of God, and I rejoice in its fruits as I rejoice in the fruits of salvation. Today as I itinerate the churches of God, I am told regularly that the surgery has given me a new image, one that I so desperately needed. It has given me, a short and balding man, the opportunity to reinvent myself as a more appealing and youthful apostle. Timothy even remarked yesterday that I could probably pass as his real-life older brother now, instead of an aging minister who so terribly cramps his style.
   Luke, with the church the state that it is in today, I cherish this my new image, and my followers do as well. I and they were so tired of the wrinkles on my face, and my double chin. But thanks to you they can now watch me preach the gospel of unconditional love and humility with both pride and admiration. They can now even invite the lost to my meetings and finally be free from the shame of their ‘old, wrinkly, and ugly apostle.’
   I write this letter with my own hand, and I ask you for a favor, dear doctor. Peter is getting along in age and has expressed great interest in getting the same surgery as me so he too can draw (and sustain) bigger crowds when he preaches. I ask you to consider giving him a face lift, chin lift, and eyebrow lift, as you did me, freely, for freely we have received and freely we must give. Grace to you and your practice, Grace for the Face. I look forward to seeing you next month for my first hair implant treatment. I am so, so tired of this old autumn-brown toupee.  Paul”

  “Letter to Luke” has been embraced by many charismatic churches in the United States, with Reverends Joyce Meyer, Paula White, and Randy White already placing it after Philemon in their ministries’ personalized study bibles. “The Bible informs us that Luke was a doctor. Plus, other historical documents tell us plainly that the apostle Paul was unsightly in appearance. Paul even alludes to this fact in Galatians. So when he talked about having an appearance of godliness but no power (2 Timothy 3:5), this is what he was actually referring to. We prominent ministers must have the power of a good appearance buttressing us, otherwise people will not want to watch or listen to us, and then nobody will ever get saved. Amen: wrinkles, big noses, and unattractiveness in general hinders the anointing,” said an elder at Randy White’s Without Walls International Church. The 42-year-old elder is scheduled for a face lift next month at a Tampa hospital.

  Oral Roberts University professor and renowned theologian Delbert ‘Delby’ Churner, a septuagenarian, thinks the epistle is a fake, possibly written by a first-century gnostic. “Plastic surgery was no more a part of Paul’s life than employing a ghost writer and obscuring his/her involvement is a part of Benny Hinn, Oral Robert, Pat Robertson, Paul Crouch, or Billy Graham’s life,” he laughed, dismissing the epistle as nonsense.

(Note: this is satire.)